This week has been hard…my spirit has been weak.
I am tired and don’t want to do this anymore.
We can all handle change and feeling poorly for a certain amount of time…and then we hit a brick wall. I hit that brick wall.
I want my energy back. I want my hair back. I want to feel well and live my “normal” life again.
I am having conversations with God. I am having conversations with Sara and thinking about the life she was stripped of because of her disease…and I hear her words…”This life is not about me….”
When I look at the road ahead, it feels daunting to think I still have 10 weeks of weekly chemo and then 6 weeks of daily radiation, and yet there is an end. In 16 weeks I will be done with treatment and will begin the process of healing.
With Sara’s disease, there was no break and there was no end. Her life was always going to be a life of pain, sickness and being homebound. I may not have a lot of energy, but I am able to sit outside and feel the breeze. I am able to feel the sunshine on my face. I am able to be blessed with things that the last 3 years of her life, she never experienced.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
In order for us to be strong when we are weak, we need to realize the difference between giving up and letting go. As I seek out my purpose while going through this cancer journey I am listening to Sara….
There’s an important difference
between giving up and letting go.
– Jessica Hatchigan
“And I realize that part of seeking out what my purpose is, what my goals should be, how to fulfill what God has put in front of me, is to let go.
Let go of the ideas that I can’t make happen. Let go of the expectations I put on myself to be more than myself. It’s a constant process as I lose more abilities, to adapt and adjust and let go of the notion that what I should be is anything other than what I am.
It’s a fine line, between giving up and letting go. Because I’m not giving up on having a purpose. I just may have to let go of putting energy into the things that no longer work so I can focus my energy on the things that still do work.
So I’m letting go of other things to do one thing, be here with all of you. I’m learning to let go of some of the things that take away the energy I need to make that happen.
And I realize that in some ways I’m lucky, because my life forces me to be still, be slow, let go of the externals so I don’t lose sight of my purpose.
And it makes me wonder if all of you slow down in your lives … have you taken the time lately to really question and seek out what God’s purpose is for you? And what you may need to let go of in this season to make that happen?”
So, in this time of feeling weak, I am going to let go of what I think I need to be and focus on listening to what God needs from me. It is a time to be still, listen and seek out His purpose.
Thanks for your wise words, sis…and for being here for me!