As I lay awake with my mind spinning from all that is going on and I try to process the reality of what I am going through, my thoughts go to my sweet sister Sara.
It’s been really hard after this second round of chemotherapy. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back. Each time I get a glance of myself, I am in disbelief that I am going through treatment for cancer. I look like a cancer patient.
I look in the mirror and see this adult person who looks in some ways like an infant. I see a person who looks sick and frail. I see a person with tired eyes and no energy. I don’t see me.
I remember Sara sharing that one of the many things she was grateful for, was that even though she was sick, she was so grateful she didn’t look as sick as she felt. As with everything, there are pros and cons… I remember her explaining that “When you are sick but don’t look like it, it opens up a door for people to judge more harshly. If you don’t look sick there are unrealistic expectations that are difficult to deal with or explain. But when you don’t look sick, you are also able to escape mentally what you can’t physically.”
Right now I feel like I can’t escape. I can’t escape mentally because I also can’t escape physically.
So, I’ve decided if I’m feeling like I can’t escape, I need to change my thinking. I do have the ability to choose how I think in order to change how I feel.
My thinking turns to gratitude.
As I sit in my beautiful sun room on the spring days that I am not strong enough to go outside, I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun and listen to the birds singing. I thank God for the beauty of the spring colors and the new life that comes with each new day.
I choose gratitude. I choose joy.
Thanks sweet sis! I love you and am grateful I have your words of encouragement and love. I’m glad I don’t have to do this without you.